I first wrote this piece in 2017. Eight years later, its truth still holds: celibacy isn’t about denial, it’s about protection, reflection, and honoring your energy until love shows up in its highest form. My journey has changed, but this message remains.
Celibacy is nothing new to me. I consider it almost like a partner in itself. But there are times when being celibate gives me the blues and I just want to fulfill that urge, and then I then I look out into the world and go, naw I'm good. Celibacy for me started after I was married to my first husband. It was my way to reflect on the relationship that I just got out of. Then two years later I met someone else and ended up marrying him. Mind you I was a practicing Muslim at that time, and the Sisters I hung around where older than I were. They were mother figures to me. I was just in my early 20's when I embraced this religion. So, it was taught that a woman should not be without a husband for a long time, and that she should not have sex outside being married or not married, and that she should be married. To sum up the number of times I was married, it was four, and only in one of those marriages did I have a beautiful girl.
Anyways, the space I gave myself between those four marriages to breathe and reflect was two years before I would meet the next one and then get married. After, the fourth marriage, being Muslim was a wrap for me because his behavior was the one that really woke me up and scared me, being that I had a young baby girl at the time. A year after him I walked away from it all, so you think since I made myself free I would have a ball and go to town with my social life since I missed eight years of it I would be just out here doing my thing, but I wasn't. It didn't hold anything special for me before Islam and it didn't hold anything special for me after I left.
It would be 8 years later when I would meet someone and it only lasted two months even though it felt like a year. Really it did. It meant he wasn't supposed to be in my cipher or we were just cleaning up some old past life junk. I would then learn from a friend of mines, who is into Metaphysics, that when two people have sex they are also merging together as one spiritually, which then makes them married to one another, spiritually. I'm sitting there thinking, "oh my goodness there are some people I don't even want to be married to spiritually let alone physically any longer. My goodness." I did end up saying this to him, and he laughed at me. I was serious. I would then do study on my own to learn more about this, because there was other reasons behind why I chose to be Celibate but wasn't understanding why.
I ended up meeting a beautiful guy in 2015 that only ended up lasting a year, because all he wanted to do was party and hang out, and I'm not going to throw him under the bus because his spirit was beautiful. He just wasn't ready to be with me yet. Sex is a beautiful thing, but after you've been around them for a while will make you think, "why did I have sex with this person." Then you feel like you're stuck. Sex is more so a spiritual connection to another person. It's more than just two bodies creating friction off of one another. It's a body, spirit connection, so guys everything you feel or think while having sex with a woman, you transfer those feelings to her, so don't be surprised when she comes back at you down the road cussing you out or mentally thinking some type of way about you. Women are natural receivers of energy whether they realize it or not. Any negative thoughts about her, she is going to pick those up. If you can't have sex with a woman without having a negative thought then you don't need to have sex with her. How I feel.
For now I'm comfortable with her, and until the right guy shows up with the right energy, and is present in the here and now of our relationship, and is not broken looking for somebody to heal and fix him up, 'cause that was the past narrative of men in my life that I no longer accept, then I will be waiting for him to show up. It's about truly loving yourself. Sometimes that love you give to others needs to be held on for yourself, because no one can love you like you love you. Everybody that comes into your life is just an add-on. When a person leaves you, you have to be comfortable in your space to be okay with the fact that no one else is there but you. It's Okay to miss people when they decide its not working because that's part of the healing process. That's time for you reflect on what happened and how you can better improve on yourself. I've learned everybody in your life is there to teach you something. So, in your line of relationships past and present, intimate or not, what have you learned about yourself from dealing with other people because this is how you grow as an individual. That's what relationships are growing as a couple together but still checking in to see how you've grown as an individual.
So, why am I Celibate? Because I seeing what I see I don't want to deal with it in my cipher which means I need to vibrate a little higher, and I don't want to spiritually have anyone her who is just going to be a parasite. I've had those too. It's not about merely having someone here, because someone who is here can be like a lump sitting on a log. I want more
and I understand what my more is.
