Celibacy

Celibacy Blues by Jill Scott

Celibacy is an old friend of mines. I walk in its company. When taking a break from being in a relationship and I just need to get back to the basics of getting reacquainted with myself.  So being alone is not new to me at all. Its just that this is the longest that I've been celibate.  Its normally two years then I'm in a relationship. When that ends I again take two years to be by myself.  It has now been eleven years.  I like having the companionship with a person. Notice I said companionship not having sex. Sex is the icing on the cake in a relationship,not the relationship.  During this time I learned about what I seek, and the number one thing for me is we have to have a genuine friendship. That requires the guy respecting my celibacy and truely getting to know me.  That can be difficult in this society where pussy is just being given like fruit falling off a fruit tree.  It can happen though.

I didn't start dating until I was in my early twenties. I got married at twenty-five. The last man I married I was thirty-four. I was a practicing Muslim at the time. That's a complete whole new story.  I had my daughter when I was twenty-nine, so I wasn't thinking of being with anybody after the last man I was with.  So i basically became like a hermit. When I did decide to dip my toe back in the dating pool I did not like what I saw and so it scared me back into the house again to feel like I was living like a hermit.  That`s when I decided that I had to be true to myself first or I wasn`t going to be happy. In order for me to be comfortable I had to find a guy who I had something in common with and who was going to be my friend first. Everything else if its meant to be will flow and develop in its own time. I miss having a true male friend. Platonic that is. They make the best relationships in my opinion because they already know you.

Celibacy at times is lonely but I will take lonely over somebody who I don`t really want to be  with.  Do I get horny? Yes, I do, but its a different feeling. I don`t really want the sex its just that when I see someone I really am attracted to, beyond physical attraction, my hormones turn up. Any other time its like, "He`s a nice looking guy. Ok, we can move on".  If I am attracted to a guy beyond physical attraction I can spontanteously have a orgasm just by looking at him, or remembering how he looks. He`ll never need to touch me.

I miss that natural connection and being able to relate and communicate openly and honestly about everything. I miss having fun and laughing. I don`t like having to feel like I can`t be my true and complete self around another person. I don`t like feeling as if I can`t talk to the guy I`m with openly.  I should never fear to express myself even if he does not agree with my view.

Does he exist? Yes.  Will I find my best friend who will develop into something more to me as time goes on? Yes.