As one who was once a practicing Muslim, there were things that I read in the Quran that caught my attention, and I would ask for clarification, but would only receive responses back to, "Trust in Allah." Questions needed answers, and I'm one to go seek them out. But every time I would read the Quran the verse concerning Allah not having daughters would always stop me in reading, as I pondered why this was being mentioned.
Journey with me back through the Arabian past where worshippers had different gods. In a time before religion became monotheistic, and brought Islam to Arabia, there were those who venerated the feminine.
A past where the Quran briefly mentions these three goddesses as not being the daughters of Allah.
There was a time in Arabia's past where the people were polytheistic.
Come join me as I travel and show who these women were that were once venerated, and adored and sewn into the culture of Arabia.
My book, From Goddess to God: Pre-Islamic Arabian Goddesses is available as an ebook here at Payhip.
I have heard both sides of the argument when it comes to a polygamous marriage. You have men and women who are against it and feel that man only needs to marry one woman at a time. That this is some type of new hustle for men to get pussy from a woman. That we live in the U.S. and you can’t have any more than one wife any way. Then there are those who proclaim that there is nothing wrong with a man having more than one wife. That it would strengthen the community, get that woman off of welfare, that’s if she is on it, provide a male image for her children, and just uplift the Black family. That it puts the man back in his rightful place which is to provide and to protect the woman and the child(ren).
Polygamy is practiced in some African countries, but not all. It is a structure that brings together unity for sisterhood between the two women, upliftment and love for the family unit. To be practiced amongst any body here in the states it has to be done with commitment, fairness and maturity. This system of marriage is not to be played with or to be entered into lightly. It can’t be entered into lightly because you are dealing with peoples emotions, and just like any monogamous relationship you must be ready as an individual before you should enter this type of relationship as well because you are dealing with the individual’s time, energy, and most of all emotions.
So, you might ask, ‘Well what side are you on?’ Being that I have seen polygamous marriages work and fall, and not only experienced them from watching on the outside but have been in one as well, I am for them. Would I do it again? Yes, with the right man I would. But before I did me and the man that I was interested in marrying would have to have a long talk. He would have to make it crystal clear to me why he would want to be in a polygamous marriage. I mean make it so clear that there would be no room for misinterpretation on my part of why he wanted to do this. Mines did not work for reasons I will not put here, but it is a beautiful system. Not everyone is ready or willing to deal with being in a polygamous marriage. Most black women will be ready to cuss you out and fight you knowing that there partner was dealing with someone else. Not knowing that he may be seeing someone else. It’s not about the sex and should not be treated as if it is all about the sex. A person can enter a monogamous marriage or relationship and that too can be seen as just sexual, and most are. So if you are entering a polygamous marriage and this is your out look on it then its not for you. Your not marriage minded period as of yet.
I was in a polygamous marriage while I was practicing Islam. I no longer practice. Before I decided to enter into such a marriage I saw the goodness of it. Meaning I saw how beautifully it worked, and I saw the nastiness of it. I heard of stories where the second wife knowing this was the type of relationship she was entering would just mentally break down and call the first wife and say to her, ‘This is my man not yours. He is staying with me and you can’t have him back. Go find you another man.’ She clearly wasn’t ready to enter into a marriage such as this. There should be no jealousy or cattiness brought into this. Then I’ve seen the ones that worked. The sisters helped one another out, there was no cattiness, any problems that arose they took care of because it was between them, not them and the husband. Most of the time the husband never even knew a problem existed.
While I was practicing I had a sister I knew invite me over to her house. I would visit her from time to time but today was different. Today when I came to visit her she took me away to her room so she could talk to me privately. The conversation…her husband. She was telling me what a good man he was, and how well he treated her and her co-wife, who I knew as well and that I would make a wonderful addition to the family. Then the other co-wife came over and told me some of the same things she did but also explained to me what the polygamous marriage was all about. Things changed though when I met the husband who was a friend of my ex-husband. He told me that he asked my ex-husband was it okay if he asked to marry me and that my ex said yes, and told him what a good wife and person I was.
The element changed when I met him because his energy did not sit right with me. You know the type, they come into a room and all of a sudden you start to feel tired and drained. They call it psychic vampirism. Well that’s what I felt around him. I loved my sister friends and I was so honored that they approached me for marriage to their husband and into their family. They also told me the only reason why they did chose to approach me is because every time they where in my presence or saw me out in the masjid, they would watch how I behaved around other sisters. This brother had three wives when I married my first husband and he had a wife who I became best friends with. So, the brother knew of me for a while. I just could not risk putting my friendship on the line with these two beautiful sisters knowing in my heart that it would not work between he and I. He was trying to be the provider and protector because I just had a baby around that time.
This is how I feel a polygamous marriage should work. The woman picks who would be a good fit into the family. If I’m the first, I want to know the woman coming in. I want to sit down and talk to her. See her in her environment around people and how she functions and acts. I want to get to know her genuine, authentic self just like I wanted to get to know my husbands genuine, authentic self. This is how I feel it should work. I was honored to have those two sisters approach me to be apart of their family. You also want to make sure of the sisters mentally stability. Because what affects one will eventually affect the whole and that's what a family structure is a whole.
I can agree with a polygamous marriage when the man is seriously going to protect and provide for his family, and any children that come into that family. This means that he has the financial means to do so. I don’t like it when I see men (mostly Muslim) who marry three or four women and have those women in the welfare office. He clearly does not have the means to have all these women but because his religion told him he could, he does. This right here is a dis-service to the woman and to the family unit. Another man is providing for you and that woman in the house and you are supposed to be doing this for her. As a woman who has a man she should never have to go to another man to have things provided to her. Not even her father. You married the woman and this is now your job. If a woman is on assistance and you want to marry her, in order for her to let go and trust in your provision as a man you must show to her you can provide for her and her child(ren). Its backwards to have it go the other way around. You marry her and then marry two more and now you got them all on assistance. None of them should be there. In her eyes that kind of devalues your manhood.
So the questions I put out are:
If I am the first wife how long before you decide to want to take on a second wife?
Why do you want to be in a polygamous marriage? Make your intention crystal clear so there can be no misinterpretations? Make your intention to why you want to marry her crystal clear?
If I were to agree to enter back into a polygamous marriage. I would do solely because I have a ten year old child who I wanted to spend more time with. Possibly have another child if we were both in agreement with that. Like I said we would have to have a serious talk. He would have to court me so I could make sure he was the one I did really want to marry. Off subject. Back to the questions.
How do you intend to provide for your wife(s)?
How do you view the women and the role they play in a marriage like this to you? If it’s a first wife, then how do you view her role in marriage to you?
What do you expect to get from a polygamous marriage?
When choosing a second wife does she also have a say so in the decision?
What will be the processing for how the second wife is chosen?
What will be the living arrangements for both wives? Separate apartments, shared living, etc.
What type of life style are you able to provide to them?
Will the marriage be open for everyone to witness or in private? Explain what private means to you?
Will the marriages be registered with the state you married in?
What type of ceremony will you two have?
Would you want to have children or have more children if you have them already?
Are you requesting that wife(s) be tested for STD’s? Even you. (This is a big concern when women think about polygamy)
Are you okay with her working outside the home or just being in the home?
If she decides to stay home are you willing to provide her an allowance?
If she works outside the house, do you feel she should contribute some of her earnings into the family unit?
If taking on a second wife, how long should you two get to know her ( if you two agree on you dating) before you actually marry?
What do you have in place in case of your death for your wives?
Now, I ask this last question because most men have nothing in place for there wives once they transition and the last thing you want to do is leave your woman being destitute after you provided for her for so long. What do you have in place that both of your wives will still be able to live on for a while without having to go seek assistance..
It can work. The first wife and the husband must first have a solid foundation. Solid foundations are the basis for anything lasting. Relationships are meant for two people to come together as a unit. To grow and become stronger. With polygamy everyone in that unit has the ability to strengthen there relationships with one another and grow. You still have your own individuality were you are growing and being stronger within your self as well. This is not for everyone. Most people are fine with monogamy, open-relationships, polyandry, serial monogamy. What you do may not fit everyone else. In my journey on the earth so far I have ran into women who are married and tell me, he seeing another woman and I keep telling him to go but he won’t. Or I know where he goes when he is not with me, and I have a garden or I cook something and send it with him to give to her.
Polygyny
the practice of having more than one wife; a form of marriage existing throughout history and found chiefly in patriarchies. In its late forms, polygyny was retained in the class society of certain Muslim peoples of the East as a privilege of the ruling classes. Polygamy, a less precise term, is sometimes used instead of polygyny.
Marriage to more than one spouse at a time. Although the term may also refer to polyandry (marriage to more than one man), it is often used as a synonym for polygyny (marriage to more than one woman), which appears to have once been common in most of the world and is still found widely in some cultures. Polygyny seems to offer the husband increased prestige, economic stability, and sexual companionship in cultures where pregnancy and lactation dictate abstinence, while offering the wives a shared labour burden and an institutionalized role where a surplus of unmarried women might otherwise exist. The polygynous family is often fraught with bickering and sexual jealousy; to preserve harmony, one wife may be accorded seniority, and each wife and her children may have separate living quarters. Polyandry is relatively rare; in parts of the Himalayas, where brothers may marry a single woman, the practice serves to limit the number of descendants and keep limited land within the household.
What I intend to speak about in no way pertains to every Muslim. I have just noticed something in the Islamic community that needs to be addressed whether those in the Islamic community are aware of these situations or not. This article is in no way meant to target, mis-credit or demean in any way, shape or form, but there are too many stories that I am hearing from other Muslims about what is happening, and it sickens me and I was absolutely appalled and in disbelief when it was first told to me. But like all things when you hear a story of something happening more then once but from different people ,within the religion, then you have to start to wonder what is going on, and is the religion still effective or does one just do it now out of habit? This question pertains to all religions. This is my disclaimer.
I was speaking to a friend and some how, like it usually happens, I was told that in an Islamic community that sisters’ get together, not for tasleem, but to have oral sex with one another. Well, I’m sitting on the phone in utter disbelief by that statement, and I say, ‘stop. No they don’t.’ My friend never has a reason to exaggerate the truth when it comes to the facts and my friend says, ‘yes, they do. I was talking to a sister who is apart of this community and she said that this is what the sisters’ get together to do.’ My reaction. Oh, my goodness. We talk about other things but that is the thing out of all the things we spoke about that left the impression on me the most.
I have been in the masjid during an event, and heard some young sisters in the hallway saying, ‘we still going out tonight to the club?’ Yes, the club.
I have been to dinners at sisters’ houses and not only do they talk about the wonders and the love for Allah, they talk about how the man who was the father had his child sit on his lap and was sexual fondling her. Or how a Sister re-married brought a child into that new marriage, had children with the man only to find out later he was molesting the child that was not his biologically. Ok, madness be still!
So, I find myself walking away from the Muslim community and only emerging for Jumah, and then slowly walking away all together after being in it for eleven years. I realized that a lot of Non-Muslims perceive Muslims as holy. Like Muslims could do no wrong. I’m sorry, but while I was practicing no one anointed my feet every morning. As Muslims we feel that and hold everyone to the standard of do you follow what comes out of the Quran and Sunnah. Well, at least I did and the people I hung around. I’ve seen the beauty of this deen and I’ve seen the madness, so it’s the madness that needs to be spoken on right now. Let’s address the holy than thou mentality Non-Muslims portray on Muslims because I got this a lot. Muslims are nothing more than people who slip and can make mistakes as well. As long as you are here in this flesh you are liable to make a mistake every once in a while.
Let’s address some of the questions I had while practicing and these questions still haunt me now.
-What are the reasons why young Muslimahs do not want to marry right away or at all?
-When interviewing a potential mate do you ask or talk about sex?
-Is there homosexuality in the Muslim community?
I have recently heard that a lot of young Muslimahs are not rushing to get married. Well they weren’t rushing while I was practicing either. A lot of young women now want an education, and don’t feel that being a housewife is for them. All that is fine. You have Muslims and Muslimahs who want to chose there own mates and don’t feel rushing into a marriage with someone they hardly know is the answer for them. When you do that you have young ladies who now start to sneak around. Example, every year there is an Arab American festival where I live. I took my daughter, and we walked in where the stage was. Walk a little farther and you come to the picnic tables and the food stands. As we are walking I hear someone call out to somebody and here walks up this Arab girl to this Caucasian guy. She walks to him and looks around, and he is looking at her in a perplexed way. She holds his arm still looking around and says to him, ‘wait right here. I’ll be back, I‘m with my family.’ She’s laughing, but still looking around. I’m looking at this scene going to myself I need to sit down and watch this play out, but I don‘t.
One he’s looking perplexed because he probably never saw her in her scarf, and doesn’t know what to make out of this, and she keeps looking around because her family is with her and they have no idea about him.
So, explain to me what is wrong with love when you come across it and it doesn’t practice the same way you do? Why should men only be privy to marriage to someone of another religion? I know I’ve heard it before, ‘because the Non-Muslim male would strip her of her religion.’ Not a true statement. I’ve meet a few Muslim women who married Non-Muslim men who respected her religion, and he was of another religion and they got along peacefully. It worked for them. So, is this just a way to subdue the woman so she does not ever want to stray outside the religion? A way to keep her docile? My other question is if she is stripping off her hijab (scarf) and going to clubs why is she doing it? Don’t get me wrong because men are in the clubs too getting there groove on.
These young men and women are looking for outlets that are not in the Muslim community. They have their music that they like to listen too. There are no social functions for these young people that they do sneak. There are no social functions because of the fear of mixing. So, why the fear of mixing? Most go to public schools, not Islamic, so they are meeting those of the opposite sex.
Some may be at an age where they want to marry but it’s hard to find someone if you can’t get close enough to talk to them. So, now they are going too find ways to socialize.
Is there homosexuality in Islam? While I was practicing I heard about a Masjid in Canada that allows homosexuality. In some Muslim countries it is allowed. But the talk among Muslims who knew this was how can that be when the Quran forbids such a practice. That if you follow the Quran how can you go against it and still practice homosexuality. I placed an article below where in Jakarta it is now allowed. So, to answer the question does it exist. Yes, especially if its allowed in some muslim countries and a masjid was built in Canada that’s attended by those who prefer the same-sex.
So, she may not want to marry because she is simply not ready to marry, never wants to marry because of the example in her household on marriage or what she has heard of marriage, or she just may be lesbian. You can disagree but I stand by this.
So, let’s get to the next question. Why were those women having oral sex with one another? (I’m not practicing and it still blows my mind) Well, I have come to the conclusion that men, you not taking care of your woman like you are supposed too. You can go to Mecca and kiss that black stone that resembles your woman’s vagina but yet you can’t go and worship the alter that sleeps next to you every night. In the Quran it speaks about the man and the woman being each others garment and to go to it as you will. Meaning how ever you two agree to have sex it is permissible.
Sexually take care of your woman, so she is not feeling unfulfilled sexually. This should not be a topic that is uncomfortable for two married people to speak about. You can’t just fall on top of her when the lights go out, ejaculate and think that she is okay because you ejaculated. Sex is about pleasure from one to the other. You want her to make you feel good you have to make her feel good, and when it comes to women, men have to put in a little bit more time called foreplay. Worship at the temple.
The other conclusion I came too was because maybe they are bi-sexual or lesbian. Don’t get appalled. Muslims get appalled to easily instead of critically looking at something for what it is. Remember I said NOT ALL Muslims. I’m only addressing the ones that are doing this practice. It’s a large amount because I was I told this about two communities where I reside, so it exist. So, let’s tackle the issue at hand, and stop acting like we are living in the times of Muhammad (S.A.W).
If these women are bi-sexual or lesbian it is forbidden for them to proclaim so, because homosexuality does not go hand and hand when dealing with Islam. When I speak of homosexuality I speak of women and men. So, you either have women in the community who do it because the man is not fully taking care of her sexually or she is bi-sexual. This leads into the next question.
When interviewing a potential mate do you ask or talk about sex?
Why is this topic such a turn off when you go to talk about it if you even dare to approach it? I have experienced this when I was interviewing brothers for marriage and so have a lot of other women. This is a necessary part of the interview process if you plan on getting married. I got tired of hearing brother’s say astagfillah sister we should not talk of things like that. Why not? We plan on doing it once we marry someone, right? Then it’s a necessary part of the interviewing process. Like I mentioned before sister’s want to feel sexually fulfilled by their man, not like a jump off (one night stand that you just get off on). So, as part of that process both parties should be mature enough to talk about this. You’re mature enough to do it, but you can’t speak on the issue. Allah is not going to get you for talking about sex. Most Muslim men can easily have sex with a non-Muslim woman but refuse to speak of it when around a Muslim woman which to me is kind of backwards.
I have heard of sister’s who told there wali that before considering or agreeing to marry the brother she needed to see his penis. Yes, you read correctly. Remember not just spiritual, emotional, financial, mental fulfillment, she needs sexual as well. It’s called compatibility. Just because two people have the same spiritual belief system does not mean off the back they are right for one another. It’s more than just that. You have to take the other components into consideration as I just mentioned along with the personality of the two people. So, communication and spending time together plays a big part of a potential relationship, whether it’s a platonic friendship or a friendship between the two that works out into a long lasting relationship.
The Wali went and told the brother what the sister requested, and all three parties went into a private area and the brother exposed himself for her. She looked and then left. That was her request. She had to know for herself, so how could she be denied. To deny that for her would have probably made her say no to marriage to the brother. I don’t know if this topic is viewed as dirty, but it is not at all dirty. Remember your potential wife or current wife is not your jump off, if you treat her as such you will lose her and sex with you will no longer be a joy it will be viewed as a chore. Once something starts feeling like we got to do it we start slacking hoping you catch on to the meaning.
Famous poets in Arabia glorified homosexuality. Below is the poem, "Perfumed Garden" by Abu Nuwas:
O the joy of sodomy! So now be sodomites, you Arabs. Turn not away from it-- therein is wondrous pleasure.
Take some coy lad with kiss-curls twisting on his temple and ride as he stands like some gazelle standing to her mate.
A lad whom all can see girt with sword and belt not like your whore who has to go veiled.
Make for smooth-faced boys and do your very best to mount them, for women are the mounts of the devils
Surah 52.24 And there shall wait on them [the Muslim men] young boys of their own, as fair as virgin pearls."
Surah 76.19-20 They shall be attended by boys graced with eternal youth, who will seem like scattered pearls to the beholders."
Surah 4.15 And as for those who are guilty of an indecency from among your women, call to witnesses against them four (witnesses) from among you; then if they bear witness confine them to the houses until death takes them away or Allah opens some way for them
