Image by Tobe Mokolo
If one goes by what they see on the internet, or by stories told to them about the dating scene , one would absolutely be horrified to even take a chance in that arena.
I haven't dated since 2013, when I drew that line in the sand, and proclaimed to Most High and my Ancestors that, " I'm done. Don't send nobody across this line that's not supposed to be here!" I made that proclamation with my whole chest, and I meant it. I met a man that I liked. He had just got a job working the afternoon shift until one am. I took him to work, picked him up. He blatantly lied, and didn't keep his word, but the straw that broke the camels back when I needed him most, is when my Dad passed.
My car decided to go down, and my dad's wife told me, "if you can get to my house, you can ride with me to the funeral." I got a cab. My money was low. I just paid off my bills. After the funeral, I'm sitting in the empty limousine, and I called him that morning. I asked, if he could come pick me up at the church, and take me home. He lived ten minutes away. From the church I was five to eight minutes away.
He told me, "I got to go to work." I sadly, but calmly said, " I pick you up and drop you off at work everyday. I'm asking to get home from my dad's funeral, and you don't have to be at work yet." He still said no. It broke my heart. He met a woman at work he told me about. His face beamed when he spoke about her. I wasn't supposed to be concerned because she was Lesbian. He admitted to spending the night at her house, four days before this incident.
I appreciated his honesty, but we weren't supposed to be together. Especially when he's acting like he doesn't want me. Like I'm supposed to stick around.
I threw myself into work, raising my daughter who was 12 at the time, and working on me. I dealt with my shadow self. I was aligning myself spiritually. I was rediscovering me.
I got a reading from a Voudun priest. Found out, as they say, who was on my head. Dancing was my release. I danced until I couldn't dance anymore. I honored an Orisha. I set up an altar in honor of my ancestors. When I honored them, I honored myself. They honored me. Then in November of 2015, I lost my brother, and six months later my grandmother. When I love, I love hard, so it took me some years to get through the grief of both of them.
I never left a relationship, and just jumped into the next thing coming. For me moving out of relationships required working through not only what they did, but looking at yourself and figuring out your part in this. It required healing, even though a few past relationships felt I was moving into a brand new one after them. This has been the longest time since I've been out of one.
In the dating scene I've noticed more people have become toxic towards one another. I've always been genuine, and never been with the mind fuck games. You either want to genuinely get to know me or you're for the streets. I've always been a show me who you are so I can move accordingly woman.
I don't chase. If you want me, come get me. I'll flirt, and that's about it. If I'm interested I've slipped my number to a man, and the rest was up to him. I don't do that often. Being bold and forward.
Again, I don't chase, but I want it to be known that I am interested in getting to know who he is. Not what he has, but what is his character, his morals, his integrity, how does he think, how does he process emotions. In other words, I want to get to know him. Honestly, genuinely, in a transparent way. You know a man has to be comfortable with self to do that. He also has to be comfortable to do it with a woman he's trying to know.
I gave up on online dating. I don't drink, so why would I go to a bar. In my natural day to day I should be able to bump into someone of interest. At least that's my thought.
My instinct keeps saying to get out of the house. But for a person who regulated themselves to heal, working, writing books, and raising a child. It's a circle that's hard to break.
Everyday I make my presence to the world, is a day when I'm saying, "I'm open to new interactions, platonic or not."
Here's the part that unnerved single women and men genuinely wanting a relationship...we don't want our peace disrupted. We have a system of, our space is peaceful, we feel whole, and we just want someone that can just naturally walk in that alignment, and meet what we are searching for in a partner. Anything other is a no.
We may meet and it still doesn't work out, but here's the thing. You had good conversation, you met someone new. The thing now is to vet people out, and it should be done in the beginning. Feelings are not involved. What are your questions before moving farther. Not a perception of the person.
Mine are:
How do you handle things when you're in a bad mood? Or things that didn't turn out for you the way you thought they should?
What type of relationship are you looking for?
Do you consider yourself spiritual or religious?
Are you in any type of relationship? (Married, divorced, separated, situationship)
Did you get the Covid shot?
I feel there is someone for everybody, and that the good ones are watching the toxic ones being toxic with each other, so much that they're getting tired of one another too.
Everybody wants to give out dating advice, and most that do aren't even in a relationship, let alone have ever been married.
Dating is a personal experience, and when you find that person, that's an even more personal experience. That couple makes up what they're relationship looks like. It may not look like what's normal in the status quo, but if they agree to it and it works for them emotionally, mentally that is what matters.
I've noticed most don't have boundaries, and just want to say they are in a relationship, that they let the person they are dating do things they won't let anyone else do. Boundaries are a good thing.
Relationships take common sense too. Looks are frosting on the cake, sex is the cherry on top, but the cake itself is everything that carries substance, the weight. The heart of it all.
Will I date again? I'm looking forward to it. Until then I'll take some good bomb ass, down for you friendships.
