By D. I. Muhammad
If you read my "Recognitions" post, I briefly talked about Soulmates, Familiars, and Divine Partners. After writing that post, I had an ' aha' moment concerning my Familiar and me. I chose to sit on this post for a while. Mainly, to make sure I got all the thoughts I needed to release, released. So I posted "The Story of a Soulmate" first.
That 'a-ha' moment is what led me to realize I was the Avoidant first. We are both at fault for this. I won't give too much detail, but if he read what I'm about to share, he would know who he is.
The first time I saw him, my whole presence froze. Then an energy ran through me, announcing that I knew him. I tried to place where. Why did he feel so familiar? Why did he look so familiar? He's a handsome man, but that's not what captivated me. It was the magnetic pull. An internal connection I couldn't put my finger on or explain.
Every morning I saw him, I felt the same reaction, and it started to drive me bananas. I wasn't going to keep racking my brain over where I've seen him before. I saw him nowhere. I don't go out like that unless it's to the grocery store, Home Depot, Lowes, or Bath and Body Works. So, instead of continuously racking my brain, I made an appointment for a reader.
Two weeks later, I go to see her, and she asks why I came. I told her about the guy from work. "I met a man who looks and feels familiar, and I've never felt that before." She shuffled her cards. Head lowered, slightly grinning, and then said, "What you experienced was a soulmate." Her head tilted slightly to the side as if she heard voices speaking. "Let me see something." She whipped those cards out so quickly, head still tilted. She asked if I knew his birthday. "No," I responded, confused. Then, if he was, "spiritual." Again, "No. We only cordially speak when we meet. A good morning." She was still grinning; her head nod felt like a shake-off towards me. Listening to my answers and spirits talk. I felt the energy shift in that room. I felt the ancestors come in, and they didn't feel like mine. Whatever ancestor came through, I felt power, an unmistakable energy.
She laid out those cards and told me about his present state of mind and the pull he was feeling. I won't post any more of that here, because it was for him. What I will say, before that energy left and she read my Tarot, is that she told me, "Since you don't know if he's spiritual or not, you may need to lead him through this. You two lived a lifetime where you loved one another, and you both made a pact to meet at that time, in another lifetime. You two need to work this shit out."
It seems I like making pacts with people. I was told I made one with my daughter in another lifetime. I was told we've been sisters in different lifetimes, and we alternate in different lifetimes being mother and daughter towards each other.
An ancestor gave me a possible play-by-play on his spirit, and I may have to guide him through his spiritual journey. Not do the work for him. Guide him. That was a whole lot of heavy. This melanated woman questioned me, and damn near scolded me like she was my older sister. They spoke something to her, that I only picked up in energy, but she heard words. The things I told her, her look spoke, "you're only lying to yourself about your feelings." She just nodded and said, "Okay."
I've guided others, but they slipped off course, and no guide told me to. I just did. My dad did come through and symbolically show me not to mess with certain people. I didn't catch it at the time.
I left the reading. My body braced because a responsibility was laid before me. I see premonitions from time to time. My Clairaudience and Clairsentience kick in when I'm truly focused. All I wanted to know was for her to tell me what that feeling was I was experiencing. All I wanted was a conversation, to get to know him. That reading just stuck a wrench in everything and triggered me.
After this appointment, I braced. I braced for years. Three weeks after that reading, he stopped using the door I saw him enter every morning and would come through another.
I recall a moment after finding out he and I had a relationship in another lifetime: I was cleaning my class at the end of the day, and he was sitting at the end of the hall in a chair, with another teacher standing next to him. I sat out the trash in the hall. When I looked in his direction, he waved. My heart started beating fast, and I got shy, quickly retreating into the room. When I did, I heard him say to the other teacher, "Look, see." He sounded hurt and frustrated. I don't know what the conversation was about before, but I felt I added something that sparked that comment.
I was running.
I got nervous. My first thought was, "He's waving at me." I was the runner first. I was the first to shrink into myself when I saw him. Then he became Avoidant after I got my nerves together, and was ready for the next time he waved hi. After that, I noticed the energy shifting. It felt like he tried, and he didn't want to try again for fear of being rejected. Little did he know that if he did try again, I would not have ran. He was now Avoidant, and was for years.
That's when I noticed my presence made him nervous. He would try to shrink into himself. He was now the runner. That is when he stopped entering in the morning through the door I hoped to see him enter through, and started using another entrance.
This was the man I would say, "Have a good night," to at the end of the day. He commented one time, looking straight ahead. His vision looking over my head; his body seemed to tighten, and his words felt forced, coming from a throat chakra that was taking a chance. I responded, smiling.
Just for the record, my smiles are genuine; they are not forced or cordial. I'm a down-to-earth person. I genuinely like smiling. I know I don't do it much at times. Because of life, it became a protection to show warmth selectively. Some people don't get that warmth. When I give it, it's genuine. When I don't, there are reasons why. I could be tired, upset, don't like you, don't feel like it, or just deep in thought. Guess by now anybody could tell I liked him.
Him being Avoidant has been the theme of our meetings. We would say hi when we met. Mine was always accompanied by a smile. When he looked at me, it made me feel like he was trying to figure out my angle. I don't have one. I'm being me.
This runner-chaser dance is incredibly common with deep soul connections. It isn't meant to punish us; it is designed to highlight our wounds around intimacy, safety, and abandonment.
This is a man I had a multitude of dreams about. One where my grandmother was present. I don't dream about the deceased, and they don't come through unless they are trying to give me a message. Her presence was comfort, and so were her words surrounding him.
Years later, I'm noticing he's relaxing a little. That runner toned down about a year and a half ago. I apologize if I made him feel bad. I apologize for not approaching him and giving him the message that was given to me from his ancestors from the meeting I had with that reader so many years ago, which I never sought out. I went to get clarity on why he looked and felt familiar. Why I felt a strong magnetic pull whenever I was in his presence, it was never the objective to get a reading on him. It's just that I never expected to encounter the feelings I did on seeing him when I first arrived there.
When I wrote about soulmates, Familiars, being heard, being seen, I understood why he turned Avoidant. The thing is, he was always seen and still is.
It took me writing "Recognition" to have an "a-ha" moment. That moment showed me that I was the Avoidant first. I was the runner.
My nervous system could exhale around him, just as it does with the soulmate. Early on, it did, and then I went to see that reader, and my body and voice just braced. The thing is, around him there's a feeling of things unsaid that don't necessarily know how to express itself. It does not feel surface level. Maybe it's what I've been holding on to for years, that's saying, "let it go, so you can naturally just be."
During that reading, his ancestors put a lot of pressure on me, telling me information I didn't request. My concern for him was that he wouldn't feel weird or awkward. My body held that for him as bracing. I mean, how would you tell someone when you don't know how they'll react?
I typed that message up so I could relieve the bracing. It helped.
I walk the halls, and lower my gaze at times. Not out of shyness, but because that unspoken factor that needs to come out is heavy. I don't know what prompted his openness, but he no longer shrinks into himself. I love seeing that. He smiles, and his face lights up. Love to see melanated men smile, with your fine, intelligent selves.
On my first day back, I felt his shift. He actually spoke to give me a message about a parent looking to speak to someone, as he walked backward down the hall. I love seeing his new spark. It's beautiful, just like he is internally.
We were both avoidant. We were both scared of something we didn't understand, a recognition too big to casually greet in a school hallway. May be these feelings and observations are just mine. May be there was another reason he would shrink into himself or looked at me like I was an anomaly.
That's not a failure. That's just how big things sometimes arrive: clumsily, in bodies that weren't ready yet.
Just because I experienced the feelings I felt doesn't make those feelings untrue for me, even if he never felt the same. This post wasn't about guessing how he felt, it was providing an observation, visually, energetically and emotionally.
It was about showing what a Soulmate, and a Familiar could look like. From it being a family member, like my daughter, to the Soulmate from work. How a Familiar can look and feel.
In New Age Spirituality my Familiar is known as a Twin Flame. I like my term, because it's how he feels...Familiar.
He doesn't have my blog. This was just my release. Me, being vulnerable, letting go all the shit.
Just like I mentioned in, "Story of a Soulmate", he may be in a relationship now. I'm not here to sabotage anyone's relationship. It's not what I do. For the past few years I've been holding all this. Bracing. Bracing with trying to find the words to say the things I was told.
When he became the runner, I stepped back. With my Clairaudience I heard, "It's going to be a while. Just stay nice to him. Be patient." This dance was happening before soulmate showed up to the school.
I watched. I observed. He was seen. Guess I could of said how nice he looked in a suit first time he showed up in one. Or that I liked his cologne after he passed by smelling nice. Just to break the ice.
What would I say if bravery finally hit. "We pass in these halls for years, and I don't know your name. What's your name?" If he did by chance find , and read this, and wanted to know what that reader told me, I'd give him a copy of the letter.
We could stand a distance apart, and our Higher Selves would have a better conversation than we have.
Whatever this is between us, soulmate, familiar, soul contract, or simply two people who once loved each other in memories of Deja Vue that pops up occasionally, I'm at peace with wherever it goes from here. If he keeps opening slowly, like a Lotus Flower, I'll keep meeting him there. If he doesn't, I already have what I came for: understanding, and my own resignation from running.
My request was to find my soul group. I found two more. I've had a few: "You look familiar. Where do I know you from?" But I never expected to experience what I have felt from the man I call my familiar. Never.
My spirit is just elated to see him this lifetime, knowing that he's alright. That's good enough for my knowing. I'm not planning on doing another lifetime tour. I put in my spiritual resignation for that. Just getting everything out, putting it in the spiritual book. (Akashic Records)
