by Imani Muhammad
I have heard both sides of the argument when it comes to a polygamous marriage. You have men and women who are against it and feel that man only needs to marry one woman at a time. That this is some type of new hustle for men to get pussy from a woman. That we live in the U.S. and you can’t have any more than one wife any way. Then there are those who proclaim that there is nothing wrong with a man having more than one wife. That it would strengthen the community, get that woman off of welfare, that’s if she is on it, provide a male image for her children, and just uplift the Black family. That it puts the man back in his rightful place which is to provide and to protect the woman and the child(ren).
Polygamy is practiced in some African countries, but not all. It is a structure that brings together unity for sisterhood between the two women, upliftment and love for the family unit. To be practiced amongst any body here in the states it has to be done with commitment, fairness and maturity. This system of marriage is not to be played with or to be entered into lightly. It can’t be entered into lightly because you are dealing with peoples emotions, and just like any monogamous relationship you must be ready as an individual before you should enter this type of relationship as well because you are dealing with the individual’s time, energy, and most of all emotions.
So, you might ask, ‘Well what side are you on?’ Being that I have seen polygamous marriages work and fall, and not only experienced them from watching on the outside but have been in one as well, I am for them. Would I do it again? Yes, with the right man I would. But before I did me and the man that I was interested in marrying would have to have a long talk. He would have to make it crystal clear to me why he would want to be in a polygamous marriage. I mean make it so clear that there would be no room for misinterpretation on my part of why he wanted to do this. Mines did not work for reasons I will not put here, but it is a beautiful system. Not everyone is ready or willing to deal with being in a polygamous marriage. Most black women will be ready to cuss you out and fight you knowing that there partner was dealing with someone else. Not knowing that he may be seeing someone else. It’s not about the sex and should not be treated as if it is all about the sex. A person can enter a monogamous marriage or relationship and that too can be seen as just sexual, and most are. So if you are entering a polygamous marriage and this is your out look on it then its not for you. Your not marriage minded period as of yet.
I was in a polygamous marriage while I was practicing Islam. I no longer practice. Before I decided to enter into such a marriage I saw the goodness of it. Meaning I saw how beautifully it worked, and I saw the nastiness of it. I heard of stories where the second wife knowing this was the type of relationship she was entering would just mentally break down and call the first wife and say to her, ‘This is my man not yours. He is staying with me and you can’t have him back. Go find you another man.’ She clearly wasn’t ready to enter into a marriage such as this. There should be no jealousy or cattiness brought into this. Then I’ve seen the ones that worked. The sisters helped one another out, there was no cattiness, any problems that arose they took care of because it was between them, not them and the husband. Most of the time the husband never even knew a problem existed.
While I was practicing I had a sister I knew invite me over to her house. I would visit her from time to time but today was different. Today when I came to visit her she took me away to her room so she could talk to me privately. The conversation…her husband. She was telling me what a good man he was, and how well he treated her and her co-wife, who I knew as well and that I would make a wonderful addition to the family. Then the other co-wife came over and told me some of the same things she did but also explained to me what the polygamous marriage was all about. Things changed though when I met the husband who was a friend of my ex-husband. He told me that he asked my ex-husband was it okay if he asked to marry me and that my ex said yes, and told him what a good wife and person I was.
The element changed when I met him because his energy did not sit right with me. You know the type, they come into a room and all of a sudden you start to feel tired and drained. They call it psychic vampirism. Well that’s what I felt around him. I loved my sister friends and I was so honored that they approached me for marriage to their husband and into their family. They also told me the only reason why they did chose to approach me is because every time they where in my presence or saw me out in the masjid, they would watch how I behaved around other sisters. This brother had three wives when I married my first husband and he had a wife who I became best friends with. So, the brother knew of me for a while. I just could not risk putting my friendship on the line with these two beautiful sisters knowing in my heart that it would not work between he and I. He was trying to be the provider and protector because I just had a baby around that time.
This is how I feel a polygamous marriage should work. The woman picks who would be a good fit into the family. If I’m the first, I want to know the woman coming in. I want to sit down and talk to her. See her in her environment around people and how she functions and acts. I want to get to know her genuine, authentic self just like I wanted to get to know my husbands genuine, authentic self. This is how I feel it should work. I was honored to have those two sisters approach me to be apart of their family. You also want to make sure of the sisters mentally stability. Because what affects one will eventually affect the whole and that's what a family structure is a whole.
I can agree with a polygamous marriage when the man is seriously going to protect and provide for his family, and any children that come into that family. This means that he has the financial means to do so. I don’t like it when I see men (mostly Muslim) who marry three or four women and have those women in the welfare office. He clearly does not have the means to have all these women but because his religion told him he could, he does. This right here is a dis-service to the woman and to the family unit. Another man is providing for you and that woman in the house and you are supposed to be doing this for her. As a woman who has a man she should never have to go to another man to have things provided to her. Not even her father. You married the woman and this is now your job. If a woman is on assistance and you want to marry her, in order for her to let go and trust in your provision as a man you must show to her you can provide for her and her child(ren). Its backwards to have it go the other way around. You marry her and then marry two more and now you got them all on assistance. None of them should be there. In her eyes that kind of devalues your manhood.
So the questions I put out are:
If I am the first wife how long before you decide to want to take on a second wife?
Why do you want to be in a polygamous marriage? Make your intention crystal clear so there can be no misinterpretations? Make your intention to why you want to marry her crystal clear?
If I were to agree to enter back into a polygamous marriage. I would do solely because I have a ten year old child who I wanted to spend more time with. Possibly have another child if we were both in agreement with that. Like I said we would have to have a serious talk. He would have to court me so I could make sure he was the one I did really want to marry. Off subject. Back to the questions.
How do you intend to provide for your wife(s)?
How do you view the women and the role they play in a marriage like this to you? If it’s a first wife, then how do you view her role in marriage to you?
What do you expect to get from a polygamous marriage?
When choosing a second wife does she also have a say so in the decision?
What will be the processing for how the second wife is chosen?
What will be the living arrangements for both wives? Separate apartments, shared living, etc.
What type of life style are you able to provide to them?
Will the marriage be open for everyone to witness or in private? Explain what private means to you?
Will the marriages be registered with the state you married in?
What type of ceremony will you two have?
Would you want to have children or have more children if you have them already?
Are you requesting that wife(s) be tested for STD’s? Even you. (This is a big concern when women think about polygamy)
Are you okay with her working outside the home or just being in the home?
If she decides to stay home are you willing to provide her an allowance?
If she works outside the house, do you feel she should contribute some of her earnings into the family unit?
If taking on a second wife, how long should you two get to know her ( if you two agree on you dating) before you actually marry?
What do you have in place in case of your death for your wives?
Now, I ask this last question because most men have nothing in place for there wives once they transition and the last thing you want to do is leave your woman being destitute after you provided for her for so long. What do you have in place that both of your wives will still be able to live on for a while without having to go seek assistance..
It can work. The first wife and the husband must first have a solid foundation. Solid foundations are the basis for anything lasting. Relationships are meant for two people to come together as a unit. To grow and become stronger. With polygamy everyone in that unit has the ability to strengthen there relationships with one another and grow. You still have your own individuality were you are growing and being stronger within your self as well. This is not for everyone. Most people are fine with monogamy, open-relationships, polyandry, serial monogamy. What you do may not fit everyone else. In my journey on the earth so far I have ran into women who are married and tell me, he seeing another woman and I keep telling him to go but he won’t. Or I know where he goes when he is not with me, and I have a garden or I cook something and send it with him to give to her.
Polygyny
the practice of having more than one wife; a form of marriage existing throughout history and found chiefly in patriarchies. In its late forms, polygyny was retained in the class society of certain Muslim peoples of the East as a privilege of the ruling classes. Polygamy, a less precise term, is sometimes used instead of polygyny.
Polygamy
Marriage to more than one spouse at a time. Although the term may also refer to polyandry (marriage to more than one man), it is often used as a synonym for polygyny (marriage to more than one woman), which appears to have once been common in most of the world and is still found widely in some cultures. Polygyny seems to offer the husband increased prestige, economic stability, and sexual companionship in cultures where pregnancy and lactation dictate abstinence, while offering the wives a shared labour burden and an institutionalized role where a surplus of unmarried women might otherwise exist. The polygynous family is often fraught with bickering and sexual jealousy; to preserve harmony, one wife may be accorded seniority, and each wife and her children may have separate living quarters. Polyandry is relatively rare; in parts of the Himalayas, where brothers may marry a single woman, the practice serves to limit the number of descendants and keep limited land within the household.
http://encyclopedia2.thefreedictionary.com/polygamy
The Social Historical Basis for Polygamy (Part 2)
The Social Historical Basis for Polygamy (Part 3)
The Social Historical Basis for Polygamy (part 4)
